My Life

Morning brings yet another load, the difficulty of life in the city has created the cycle to work for survival thus many times losing sight of what it really means to live and enjoy this gift called life. No one knows of the struggles I face because much of it down plays in my mind. My only hope is that I live for those that I fend for. Somehow one day they will make it big and be able to survive on their own and maybe just maybe then we can enjoy life after all. At my most breaking points my thoughts of “I should have’s” pop up, regrets over my very poor choices in life has left me where I am I must admit.

I lie awake at night thinking about the way out of this struggle, I ask myself if there really is a way to get out of this lifestyle, if so which way is it? Many questions about life flood through my mind, I really don’t know what tomorrow will bring???

I wrote this after witnessing a mother and her five (5) children at one of Port Moresby’s popular settlement areas. As I sat from a distance watching this young family my attention was caught by the worried eyes of their mother. Although I had been watching for only thirty minutes it was sufficient to tell that behind her eyes was a story of a struggle that only she was all too familiar with.

Waiting

I’ve never given much thought to this but it’s all true, everybody waits for something and so have I. Amongst the many things I wait for one that stands out most is the future. As much as I’d like to know and experience the new fortcoming things and at times wished I could fast forward time my better judgement keeps reminding of how time has everything in control and only patience will take me there. I remember back in  primary and high school I'd sometimes sit and try to imagine, what life would be like when I was in uni or when I was working. Mind you alot of those imaginations are far from the reality that I am in. But thats not to say I disagree with life now, in fact I am very much thankful indeed for the dreams I used to have back then. Because in many ways they still gave me insight.

Moreover although many things haven't worked according to my plans I'm grateful for all that has happened because of the contentment I feel today. Being someone who doesn't like to follow the group and as much at times I wanted to belong to the growing trend everyone was into I disapproved the idea of been a common. I’ve always wanted to be unique or different if I may say.

One thing that’s given me a lot of confidence to wait for the things that are worth waiting for is my greatest desire to be a role model for other young people. I've seen so many youths fast-track their lives only to end up in so much mess. I tend to ask myself questions such as "how am I supposed to an example to others without been that person myself? And how many young adults have you come across that have followed the path to success without compromising their values and morals." I want to be able to stand up and say you can reach those values without having to sacirifice them.

My waiting is not a sign of weakness but symbolizes my determination to prove that any young person can go through life and never have to compromise their values to anything less. I want young adults of today to look in the mirror and say “I can do this” without having to feel so much weight on their shoulders. Waiting helps me to watch from the horizon to see the consequences of what different choices can bring. Waiting makes me feel so much fortunate that I don’t have to go through needless troubles that  many are are going through.

Although it’s not the coolest thing having to wait during shifting times such as these days, I'm determined to wait regardless. Because I know that while waiting I will find myself first and at the same time learn from all that is around me. There is yet so much that I have yet to grasp. There is a vast ocean that is yet to be discovered and this is why I wait, to first identify the beauty of the ocean in itself. Until I learn to pick up life and know how precious it feels like then will I appreciate life in all its fullness.

I’ve taken advantage of life, I need to realize that life in itself is fragile and that it needs is to be nurtured in love. I wait because I want to know what it feels like to love life.

 

Providence

Providence refers to that which is given to us according to what has been promised to us. More so providence also signifies God’s leading in one’s life. I say if it weren’t for this very word I wouldn’t be where I am today. God has shown me so much all throughout my life. There was never a time that God had left me hanging out. I remember the times when I needed Him the most He was there. So with the providence that He has given me in the past years I have no doubt that God’s leading is in my life.

I am so stubborn at times, and I feel during times like this I’m at my worst but thank you Lord that I always have daddy whose been my guide. I know that his physical presence in my life  represents you. I’m letting go of everything I think I’m in control of and I’ll let you take care of them. I’ve been too lazy for so long. I need to wake up from this slumber that’s taken control of my life. How am I supposed to grow spiritually when I don’t feed upon your word Father, let alone how am I supposed to know all the promises that you have given me if I don’t study your word daily.

Father, if only I could see how spiritually anorexic I look right now maybe then I would wake up. But papa you’ve been so patient with me all my life and for that I’m so grateful. I really don’t deserve this life I have. Nothing I’ve done in this life will ever compensate to all that you’ve done for me. Nothing about me is worth anything but Father it’s the value that you’ve placed in me that makes all the differences.

Oh Father where could I ever go to fall short of your glory? Thank you for lighting up the night sky and thank you for each day. Thank you for all the plants and trees that bloom each day. Thank you for preventing evil from over-powering light and most of all thank you for being my God. Father this is my sincere pray to you.

Dealing with bad feelings

I feel so empty today. I feel I’ve done something wrong, although I’m not too sure about what I’ve done. Sometimes I wonder where exactly do these bad feelings come from. I know that the Christian life is not meant to be a smooth road. There always has to be some ups and downs that direct us to follow clear paths when we are almost about to side track from what God wants for us. Thinking about this reminds me of the lesson of prophet Elijah we just heard last week. There came a point in Elijah’s life when he was down in the pits. It seemed for him the way out was to die.

I found this to be a joke. That same day God performed one of the greatest visible miracles ever. But that didn’t stop him from feeling as bad as he did. However at this very stage in his life he was visited by an angel sent by God to help him deal with his feelings. One thing that I must never forget is that God has a solution to every problem. He knows how to turn my guilty heart into one that’s overjoyed. He knows all the right things to say to me, and far beyond has promised that He will always be by my side.

I’m giving all these bad feelings to God as I write this. It’s doing me no good at all by harboring them within my heart so I’m giving them all to you Lord. Father take away all these feelings of doubt, anger, guiltiness, jealousy, and you know all the rest. I just want a heart clear from all these selfishness. In replacement to all these I want happiness, simple joy at most. I don’t want anything else more. I want to be content, I want peace and joy.

All these other emotions that is distracting me from you Father please take them away. I know that the enemy takes such avenues to come in and destroy my life so Father I commit to you today.

Life has many twist and turns. At times when things are all looking bight and promising it doesn’t look all that good when your stakes are high. Sometimes  terrible things happen to diminish all the hopes and dreams you had been  hoping for you. Other times it’s the exact opposite. When things seem as if all hell is about to break loose, something beautiful and happy pops up and gives you hope that “it’s not that bad after all”. What can I say? I’m no exception to these dual situations. Sometimes I wonder about what the future holds for me, where will life find me when I’m almost reaching the 50s? Will I achieve all the expectations that mum and dad have of me?

I guess all these questions start popping up when I start to reflect on my life and how things are currently going. For sure reasons I’ve got so much faith that God has everything in control regardless of how difficult situations are in achieving my goals and objectives I know that God always as way of working things in a manner that works my way. Then again I don’t mean to imply that God will always work according to my plans but He always has a way of taking into consideration all my plans.

It’s an absolute honor to be given this opportunity to live on earth and to experience all the struggles of it all. Because the real life awaits each one of us. The challenges and trials faced today prepares us for the better life to come. There is purpose in everything around us. We only need to stop for awhile to realize all of this. With all of this in mind I really don’t have much to worry about nor fears to harbor. Because a supernatural power governs everything that happens around me. And knowing this supernatural power gives me all the confidence I need in all the challenges that I am to encounter.